


quiet like the snow

by hisgirltuesday (burntcookiies)



Category: Nana
Genre: Childhood Memories, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-07
Updated: 2013-12-07
Packaged: 2018-04-07 05:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4250496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burntcookiies/pseuds/hisgirltuesday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even as they skate together in the falling snow, he knows her eyes and heart are elsewhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	quiet like the snow

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted 7/1/15, originally published on FF 12/07/13  
> -  
> Inspired by when Yasu admits that he did love Nana and the events leading up to that point. Originally supposed to be short piece about his feelings, but I ended up with his background story with Ren and the events leading on to meeting Nana and look what happened...I never meant for it to be this long.  
> On another note, I don't know what Yasu's hair color is when he had hair; it's thin and light in the manga so idk. so please bear with me 'cause I'm gonna make it blond. So...blond Yasu. Yay.  
> The beginning's kinda slow; my apologizes.

* * *

.

_the longer we live_

_the heavier the burdens_

_will be_

_in our hearts_

-Reira

.

* * *

 

.

;;;;;;; quiet like the snow ;;;;;;;

.

* * *

.

.

He's thirteen when he sees the boy in black for the first time. He's sitting alone in the corner, stony brown eyes cold and calculating, silently analyzing the orphanage walls. Yasu knows that look well; he knows he's thinking about which doors offered freedom or prison, who to watch out for, what to watch out for, which windows, if he'd climbed out, would land him in a bush instead of the hard, unforgiving concrete.

He's seen that times before, but it's the first time that he thinks anyone looks like they had the guts to actually carry out the plan. Yasu takes in the boy's skinny frame, angular face, and the way his bony hands clench around the milk carton from breakfast.

"Yas-san!" he turns when eight year old Nanase Haru clings on to his worn sweater. "Rin took my cookie!"

He sighs and lets the boy drag him outside to the swing set, mind momentarily off the mysterious boy in black.

"Rin, give Haru back his cookie," he says to the boy on the swing, who's really just dragging his feet on the floor.

The redhead glances at him and looks away. "I ate it."

Then his job suddenly becomes harder and he has to persuade Haru that he'll get him another one to stop the boy from pushing Matsuoka Rin off the swings.

"Why is he so mean..." Haru pouts as he walks side by side with him to the dining hall.

"Some people are just like that," he answers but when they pass by the corner where he'd last seen the boy, he's gone.

"Ah, Yasu. Why are you here? Shouldn't you be out playing?"

Of all the people in the facility, Miss Amakata was the nicest-scratch that. The only nice person in the orphanage.

"Amakata-sama, Rin took Haru's cookie from breakfast."

She sighs. "Why does Rin cause so much trouble? Wait here, Yasu."

She comes back with two chocolate chip cookies and hands them to him and Haru.

"Thank you Yasu, for looking out for the younger ones. Not many kids would do that," she says kindly.

He only nods and leads Haru away back to the yard, but he thinks he sees a flash of black dash out from the side double door, opposite from him.

.

.

He doesn't see him until it's several days later, it's a sunny Saturday and he doesn't have school.

The headmaster had made all the kids in the orphanage, all twenty some kids ranging from six to sixteen to have a game day of sorts. Miss Amakata makes him a group leader because he's the third oldest and he's instantly hounded by Haru, Makoto, and Nagisa and he spots Gou and Rei with Rin cozying up to the new boy, who apparently, by the way his face was something like a grimace, was far from interested.

It turns out they were having a scavenger hunt and his team is pitted against Gou's and he walks over to her and gestures to the boy with his eyes.

"Yeah, Yasu?" Her voice is warm and welcoming.

"Who's that?"

"I'm Ren." The voice is soft with an edge and it's when brittle eyes meet cool ones.

"Oh." For the first time, he doesn't really know what to say.

"You'll have time to talk later, Yasu; take your kids and hand them the list of items," Gou says as she slaps him lightly with papers.

"I'm glad you're my leader!" Nagisa beams at him and Haru grabs a paper and shoots Rin a mocking look.

"My teams' gonna beat yours, Rin," Haru says.

"Nu-uh."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes!" Great. Now Makoto has joined in too.

"And you put up with them." Ren says it like a statement, not a question, and Yasu thinks that's it's kinda hard to read him.

"It's a demanding job, but I manage."

"Huh."

"Yeah. How old are you?"

"Nine. You?"

"Thirteen."

He smirks. "That's old, Mr. Yasu."

Yasu shoots him a glare, but he only grins wider in response.

"You have white hair too!"

"Are you colorblind? It's blond!"

"Looks white in the sun."

"Yep, definitely colorblind. Poor child. Someone, please color his world."

"Well, dye your hair then! It'll make everything easier."

"Even if I did dye it, a colorblind kid like you won't be able to tell. Pity."

"I can see shades of stupid, and you know what, you're currently the darkest shade!"

"I believe that I'm a shade of genius, thank you very much."

"Oh Yasu, you're so funny, I'm shaking in my shoes."

"Now I know how earthquakes are formed."

.

.

He spends more time with Ren, much to Haru's irritation. But he finds himself enjoying his time with Ren; talking about this and that and time seems to be an issue when it's time to go to bed and they're in the middle of exchanging stories about school. They sit together at meals and he learns that Ren tries to get thirds when they're serving miso soup. They steal each other's desert and laugh and the atmosphere is much more enjoyable. At school, they only get to talk when it's lunch break and when the school year's coming to an end he's kinda sad because he'll be at the highschool a few blocks away so they can't talk on the way back.

One day Ren shows up in his room with a guitar and strums a few chords.

"Where'd you get that?"

"I found it at the warehouse."

"Ware-oh."

"Yeah. I still visit it now and then. Anyways, I found it and got it tuned. It's in pretty good condition."

"Hmm."

"You know, we can start a band."

"I think it's just you, Ren, ever since that band played at the school."

"Really, Yas-san? It wasn't me who thought that the drummer was cool."

.

.

He gets adopted by the Takagi family a two years after that, a week before Christmas. He doesn't know why they chose him out of all the kids in the orphanage, doesn't know what made him so special. Gou and Haru see him off in the afternoon,with Haru's skinny arms making it hard to breathe.

"Oh, Yasu, you lucky bastard. Having an actual house and real food and people who will care for you..." Her voice trails off and he hugs her tightly; he knows her story and it's one of the sadder ones. "Who's gonna help me keep things under control and strangle Rin, heaven knows Goro can't do shit."

She smells like flowers and nicotine, and she's the closest thing to an older sister he'd ever had and it hurts.

"Head up, Red."

"Taking my words and giving them back to me?"

He laughs. "You'll see me at school, don't worry."

"I'm graduating next year, though."

"You can visit me anytime, I'll give you the address. Take care of Ren for me, yeah?"

"Of course."

A car honks, but Gou grips his sleeve. "Wait for Ren. Please."

"I've told him-"

"He wants to see you off, too. He said he'd had detention today and he'll be late, but..."

A blur of black runs towards them and Ren stops, panting and managing a small, breathless "I made it."

The car honks again and Ren hugs Yasu one last time before he walks down the steps to the car waiting to take him away.

.

.

"Wow, your house is big," Ren says, stretching out the big. He looks around the dining room and dashes into the adjoining hallway. "Stairs!"

He dumps his guitar on the sofa and scrambles up the waxed wooden stairs.

"Ren! Slow down, you're gonna slip!"

A crash and a thud.

"Owwwww!"

He walks up the stairs and finds Ren slumped over the last step, cradling his shin.

"I think I'm gonna pass out. Save me, Yasu."

"I wouldn't mind if you did," he answers dryly. "And why so dramatic?"

He carries Ren to his room around the corner; he's surprisingly light and he sets Ren on the bed and runs down to the kitchen to get a nice pack, hand on the banister.

"Get my guitar too!"

He brings it along and hands the pack to Ren.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you that I joined a band and we need a-"

"Guitarist? Done and done."

"If I said vocalist, what would you do?"

"Autotune."

.

.

Another year passes, Ren's at his highschool and he's a frequent visitor in his house; his parents don't mind and so he's fine with the way everything turned out.

They see Gou at her graduation and she tells them that she'll be studying abroad in America and she sends them chocolate for Christmas.

.

.

Ren starts smoking after their first gig and he's worried for him, because really, "Hi, I'm Ren and I like to smoke" written on a tag on his shirt isn't very appealing for a fourteen year old. He knows he's in no place to lecture to him on that because he smokes too, and trying to convince Ren to wait turns out to be a waste of his time and effort.

Ren comes into his room with a plate of sushi from his mom and says absentmindedly, "a girl told me that she liked me."

He looks up from his homework and raises a brow. "That's good, right? A girl who can put up with a boy like you."

Ren ignores the jab.

"Another girl told me the same thing."

"Two girls now?"

"Yeah. What do I do, class president?"

He hates that name and Ren knows it. "Have both."

Ren's eyes widen. "I can do that?"

"I was kidding."

"Man, my hopes were up."

"That's probably why I said it."

"You know me too well."

.

.

Ichinose Takumi's a jerk in his book and he hates it when the teachers tell him to talk to him because they don't want to whenever he breaks a window with his bat.

"Think of all the beatings your bat wouldn't have to take if you'll just stop breaking those damned windows." He's fucking tired and he has a gig tonight and god he has a lot of homework.

He stands up and leaves Takumi sitting in the office's desk and leaves.

His day doesn't get any better when he's taking a smoke in the restrooms and Ichinose catches him and makes a stupid deal about not telling on the dear class president if he'll just approve the petition about him starting a band and the matter will just remain between them both.

He seriously hates having people having the upper hand so fine, he fucking agrees and suddenly he has too much on his plate.

Ren greets him at the gate of the school as always and he allows himself a small smile.

They talk like old times and Ren informs him that both Ayame and Hikari both offered him lunch and now he really doesn't know who to choose.

.

.

Serizawa Reira's a pretty girl, with long, undulating golden brown hair rare for a Japanese girl and sparkling almond eyes. When Ren informs him that she knows Takumi and is actually friends with him, he almost chokes on his water.

"And I actually like her too," moans Ren. "Even though I get free food from Ayame and Hikari."

"You're such a player," he chides.

Ren rolls over on his bed. "But I broke things off with both of them today. They were getting annoying."

"Good. But I knew that from the start that you only loved yourself."

Ren flashes a toothy grin. "Because I'm sexy and I know it."

"Too bad you're an idiot and you don't know it."

Ren feigns hurt. "Just 'cause I'm not at the top of my class doesn't mean I'm an idiot."

"I know, I know. But tell yourself that to ease the pain, if you will."

He turns back to his homework but thinking about the girl with the golden hair is much more interesting than finding x and why the fuck does he have to find the stupid sine, cosine, and the tangent of a triangle anyways.

.

.

He hears Reira sing for the first time as he passes by the band room and he thinks his heart is softening even more.

He decides that he can't get enough of that voice.

.

.

He's graduating the next year and he decides to shave his head as a little gift. Somehow, he's tired to being the ideal son and the exemplary student and class president. Ren stares at him for a full minute until he mutters a "Nice haircut, Yasu."

Times are changing and to say he's tired of life is an understatement.

He and Ren had discussed about quitting Brute because they were going absolutely nowhere and the fact that he's worried for Ren who's run away from the orphanage weeks ago and currently bunking in the warehouse was enough to add wrinkles on his face.

"Are you sure about this? My parents-"

Ren cuts him off. "I know, I know. But I can't handle that life and you know it, Yasu."

He does.

"I wanna start a new band."

"Sure. Just go find people."

"Hmmm. I know a guy. He's younger by two years but he plays guitar well...I think I'll change to bass, then."

.

.

He kisses Reira on the day of the first snow, and he thinks that this was as close to heaven as he'll ever get. They sit on the waterbreaks and they talk and kiss some more and he doesn't want this moment to end, not now, not ever.

The snow continues to fall, but they're both warm and he thinks he's never seen anyone as beautiful as her.

.

.

Christmas came, and so did the day of their last concert as part of Brute.

Nobu brings a pretty girl with large glass eyes in a ruffled red dress and he thinks that she's been through things that no one that young should be subjected to go through.

He turns away to talk to Takumi but he can tell the air between Nobu, Ren, and the girl is tense and flammable if something did spark.

"Baldy has the keys." He turns to Ren and gives him a look. "Now you do."

Ren leaves with the visitors in tow and he spends the night with Reira.

.

.

Nobu's decent in the looks category, and his guitar playing is damn near stellar, too.

"Welcome to the band."

Now they just had to find a vocalist.

.

.

It's early spring when everything falls apart; Reira leaves with Takumi for Tokyo and for Trapnest.

He doesn't see her off and his heart is still breaking and he thinks about the way the sun lit her hair up to glow a beautiful burnt copper and the tears on her face when she breaks the news to him.

.

.

Spring marks new beginnings and they're at Nobu's house discussing about the band and about their absent vocalist until a girl steps in the room.

She's the same one he'd seen at the Christmas concert and he thinks she's prettier up front and without all the makeup.

He notes he way she and Ren lock eyes for a second and then she runs out the door.

"Nobu! She can sing, right?"

"Uhh yeah."

"I'll take her!"

Then he's gone, chasing the girl with the pretty glass eyes and layered black hair.

.

.

She's the one who chooses their Black Stones as their band name, even though she says that the cigarettes he smokes tastes like shit.

.

.

Osaki Nana is a pretty good singer, and their first concert in the summer at the Live House is a success.

"We did it, Baldy!" He takes in her radiant face and smile, and he really thinks she should smile more often. Nana plops down on the seat next to him and hands him a beer.

"Where's Ren?"

"I don't know. Somewhere out there, I guess." She smells like smoke and strawberry shampoo.

He catches the way her smile falters but it vanishes in a second and waves Nobu over.

"How's it like, being a lawyer in training?" She's genuinely curious and he ends up telling her and Nobu about how it's just paperwork for now and that playing for band was much more appealing.

.

.

Weeks pass and it's winter again and they've soon gathered quite an amount of fans. He sits with Nana at a coffee shop, two hours before their next concert and she's slouched in her seat, humming their opening song.

"What's taking Ren and Nobu so long?" she wonders aloud and stirs the milk in her coffee.

"Who knows."

"Can I let you in on something, Baldy?"

He looks up and sees an unreadable expression on her face, but her eyes are clear and honest and trusting.

"What is it?"

"I..." She stops and looks down, but swallows and looks back up. "I like Ren, but he's an idiot and a stupid player."

He takes a sip of his coffee.

"I know, Nana. I know."

"What am I supposed to do?"

He meets her eyes and they both know she's looking for answers that he can't possibly give.

"Don't give me answers you're not sure of, because words can either truth or lies, Yasu." Her eyes plead with his and suddenly the coffees dry in his mouth and he doesn't know what to say.

He wondering about when she's gotten so forward and her words cut him because he knows he really can't offer her anything. She's lost and looking for something and he's powerless to help her.

"What do you want to hear?"

Nana shakes her head but answers with a soft "anything."

And so he spends the nest fifteen minutes comforting her with sugar-coated lies and pretty things; he feels like a horrible person but she tells him to continue and he really can't deny her anything.

"Love makes us prisoners, Nana, whether we want it or not."

"All I wanted was to be loved my entire life, Baldy. The people who were supposed to didn't...that was the only thing I wanted..."

"I know."

He can't help but think of the angelic voice with golden hair and brown almond orbs, but that memory is already fading.

.

.

When Ren tells him he's dating Nana, he smiles and hugs him like old times, even though it feels kinda different it doesn't really matter.

Nana's eyes are sparkling and happiness practically coming off of her in waves, and when they meet up for coffee and he's happy for her, happy that she's not wearing the stupid sad mask she frequently sports. He hopes that Ren would sincerely fix her heart, but he still swears to himself that he'll look after her too.

.

.

"Let's go ice skating!" The trip was suggested by Nobu on the fact that Nana had never been ice skating is absurd. "We don't have anything to do on Christmas, anyways."

"Actually, we have a concert," Nana says and he knows she likes to watch the smile slide off of Nobu's face.

"It's in the evening, but if we get up early and get the eight train we can have about four hours and time for lunch and we can get back at six," said Ren. "So don't worry, Nobu."

"Where's the rink, anyways?" Nana asks.

"You wanted a rink? I was thinking of going to the lake that's always frozen over on the outskirts of town. There's also some kind of festival every year."

"What if the ice breaks and I fall in the freezing water and there're only you idiots to save me?"

"There's the ambulance."

She snorts. "Yasu, I hope you know what to do."

He smirks. "I hate getting wet, though."

"Wonderful. I might die before our Christmas concert."

.

"These are heavy."

"Yes Nana. We know."

.

.

The walk from the station to the lake, for the most part, was not eventful and they see and hear the festivities before they even arrive.

The clearing isn't crowded by a multitude of people yet and he's thankful that they're early. Several red fair tents are pitched up some distance away, and he watches as Nana takes in everything with something like childish wonder.

"Come on, let's skate!" Nobu practically tugs them towards the lake.

"This brings back memories," says Ren. "That Christmas that we actually got to spend the day here; but you ended up helping the younger kids skate."

"Yeah. I'm overcome with nostalgia now. Thanks Ren."

Nana puts on her skates and tries to stand, but ends up clinging on to Ren for dear life.

"Fuck, Ren! What do I do?"

Ren steadies her and she grips his arm. "Stop being so tense, first of all."

"Not helping."

"At least try to stand straight. Keep your hands on my shoulders."

Nobu skates over. "Does that mean if I piss Nana off she can't kill me?"

Nana growls. "I'll crawl if it means to strangle you."

"Oooohhh, scary."

"Shut up."

He skates over to Nana's left side and offers Nana his arm. "Hold on to my arm and Ren's."

Nana's hand is a death grip on his.

"O-okay."

"So we're gonna skate with you a lap around the lake. After that, you're on your own. You'll get it, Nana, don't worry."

He skates with her and he feels her grip slacken until her hand was just on his arm for the hell of it.

"Thanks guys."

He looks at her and her face is soft; snow begins to fall.

.

.

Nana's skating more confidently to the point where she's chasing Nobu for having thrown a snowball at her.

"You can run but you can't hide from me!"

Ren turns to him. "I have to pee."

"Bushes."

"There's really no port-a potties?"

"Spiders will be watching."

He groans. "I'll walk back to the nearest store that has a toilet, then. Make sure Nana doesn't kill Nobu."

.

.

"Baldy! Where's Ren?"

He turns to look at her, cheeks rosy and gone is the sulky girl who was afraid of skating.

"He went to pee."

Her head whips in the direction of the forestry. "Which bush?"

He nods to the town. "That way."

"I'm glad I went at the station," she says.

"I just think he drank too much coffee."

"Today's been really fun," she changes the subject, leaning on him. "I don't remember when I'd had this much free time and hang out with people."

"It was Nobu's idea."

"Yeah, I know. The only reason keeping him snow-free right now."

He laughs. "Come on, let's skate while we talk. My feet are getting numb."

She matches his pace and it's the first time he's heard her open up to him so much.

"Every now and then, I think of her even though I tell myself that I shouldn't waste time on her."

"Leave it behind. You didn't really need her."

"I know, but it still hurts, Baldy."

.

.

He tells Ren to tell Nana the news with Trapnest even though he knows her heart will be broken yet again. For the second time, he's absolutely powerless to help her and it kills him.

.

.

His suit is a soggy mess after the train doors close and he's forced to stay put and watch as his best friend leave while a girl he's grown to care for uses his dress shirt for a tissue but right now he doesn't give a damn.

He runs his fingers through her hair but they both know it's futile but he hears the silent thanks anyways.

.

.

"I'm sorry," she says for the tenth time.

"Don't be." He's sitting in his apartment flat doing paperwork while she's lying on his bed reading a volume of Soul Eater.

"I've overstayed my visit, Baldy. I eat all your food and watch TV and I waste your hot water."

"It's fine. When there's an earthquake or something you'll just have to give up your share of food and I'll forgive you."

"You drive a hard bargain."

.

.

"You didn't have to come see me off."

His mind involuntary flashes back to when he was just a fifteen year old standing in front of the orphanage with bags in tow and Ren runs from school to wish him goodbye.

"Happy birthday, Nana." He hands her a slip of folded paper with Ren's number on it.

She takes one look at the paper and shoves it back at him. "Don't get the wrong idea; I'm not going to see him." Her voice is shaky.

He looks at her and says, "Don't go, Nana."

He wants to make sure that her heart's set on leaving; chasing her dream. He doesn't want her to have half a heart that wants to go.

Her eyes flash dangerously at him. "What are you talking about? I'm going."

He smiles a little. "But you'll be all lonely..."

"I will, but I'm not changing my mind."

She looks at him as the intercom crackles to life and announces that everyone should be on the train now.

"Come with me, then, Yasu. There's law offices in Tokyo, too."

"So? Staying in this town won't keep you from singing."

The doors of the train slide shut but he sees that her jaw is firm and her eyes are hard. She might be pissed at him but he knows that she'll make it; she has fire and backbone and spirit.

Even though he feels like he's letting a part of him go his smile is bittersweet because she wants that and he could never deny her anything.

.

.

He's still there for Nana at beck and call, from signing the flat contract to secretly threatening the electric and gas company to hurry their asses up because Nana hates cold water with a passion to sending Nobu to carry her stuff and to see if she's okay, even though she's annoyed at him he doesn't care.

.

.

Her hands are wrapped around him so tightly that he's finding it rather hard to breathe but it's okay because she's smiling again and he wants to help her piece her dream of Black Stones back together. She still smells like Seven Stars and her hair still smells like strawberry shampoo and it feels like nothing's really changed and he's thankful for that.

"There's law offices in Tokyo, too," he says softly.

Her arms squeeze him tighter.

.

.

"Yasu! Nana's at the concert!"

"Oh?"

"Don't 'oh' me. You knew she was here in Tokyo and you didn't tell me when I visited you?"

"I wanted it to be a surprise."

"Well, you got what you wanted. I was so surprised that I messed up in a fucking song!"

He bursts out laughing and doesn't care if several curious glances are thrown his way. "The great Ren messed up? This is better than I'd hoped."

"Bastard."

"If you wanna talk to her, I'm gonna give you a number to call, ok?"

"But what am I supposed to say after two years? I don't think I can do this..." He sounds like a little lost Ren from five years ago.

He sighs. "Ren."

"What?"

"If you don't want to see her, I'll take your place beside her."

He presses the end call button right after that.

.

.

Nana calls him at eleven at night and he goes to the little café without hesitation.

He orders a coffee, black; she takes in his wrinkled suit and looks away. "Sorry."

"For what?"

"Calling you here."

"What was the matter?"

"I had a fight with Hachi and I ran here and ordered something and I realized I'd forgotten my wallet."

"I'm just glad you're safe." Really, he is.

"And Hachi's pregnant."

He's quiet as he drinks his coffee, silently asking her to continue.

"Why does Trapnest continue to steal people away?"

She frowns and looks outside.

"Tell me you're gonna stay, Baldy."

"I never said I was going anywhere."

"What about Reira?"

"That was a long time ago, Nana," he says and he means it. He hasn't thought of Reira in a while, only when Takumi had brought her up but that was it. She didn't mean anything anymore and he knows someone else had taken up residence in his heart.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." It's the only confirmation he can give and he hopes it's enough.

.

.

He sees the news of Ren and Nana being lovers and his mug of coffee becomes a puddle in his sink, and all he can think of is Nana, all alone in her apartment and the paparazzi outside the building and he runs down the stairs and flags a taxi and prays that he'll get to them before they do.

It's when he's in the taxi he starts worrying about Ren, he hopes that he's alright and holed up in his hotel room.

.

.

He hits the reporter without a second thought; he usually doesn't think twice in situations involving Nana.

Nana pulls him inside and slaps him.

"Why you gotta be so cool? Now they're gonna lie about your reputation and you're never gonna become the lawyer you're always wanted to be!"

She latches onto him and sobs.

"Why?"

"Well, I can wholeheartedly focus on the band now, Nana."

"You're an idiot, Yasu. Everyone in the band's an idiot. Nobu's an heir but he threw that away. If nobody kept tabs on Shin he'll be heading to a total path of self-destruction to the point where nobody can ever bring him back. And then there's you, the ever self-sacrificing one."

He opens the door after she's cleaned up and they walk, arm in arm to a waiting Gaia car, away from all the unwanted attention and flashing lights.

.

.

Gaia drops them off at a hotel and they walk side by side to their rooms.

"This is all my fault." He stops and looks at her; takes in her red and watery eyes.

"No. It's not. You didn't do anything wrong. All you wanted was time with Ren, Nana. So stop blaming yourself."

"Takumi told me to be careful! And look what happened..."

"It's not your fault."

"All I wanted was some time and...and..."

"Nana."

She sighs and knows the argument is over. "I just wish this didn't have to happen."

At this point he wishes that he could take away all her self loathing and throw it out the window.

.

.

Gaia sets them in a camp high up in the mountains for two weeks together away from paparazzi and to take a break from city life but he knows that Gaia wanted to let the team bond.

The first week is eventful, their schedule is filled with recordings with some free time in the evenings. They have meals together and go fishing and for the first time in weeks he's feeling better.

Then the second week sets in and suddenly it's a lot more hectic and for some reason he's getting sick of being surrounded by everyone.

He's thankful that Gaia lets them have the rest of the evening off on one day and he walks to the banks of a river to watch the stars and listen to the crickets. The air is much more cleaner and crisp and he likes not being able to hear the roar of thousands of cars back in the city. He closes his eyes and he thinks he hears the crunch of boots through the grass but he doesn't care.

"Hey, Baldy."

"Shouldn't you be sleeping? Today was a tiring day."

"Yeah, but I'm too excited to sleep. We're having a concert the day after we get back!"

"That's why you should get a lot of rest now, Nana."

"Sleep with me, then."

"Sure."

She drops her can of beer.

"What?"

"Kidding."

"I'm not laughing." Her voice is suddenly quiet and he can't see her face.

"You love me, don't you?"

He can't lie to her now. "Yeah, I do."

She fidgets and the shadows dance across her face. "What do I do now?"

He turns away. "Don't mind me, Nana. Just continue singing like you'd always had, and I'll continue to support you. Nothing's changed, Nana."

She whips her head towards him, and her eyes blaze like watery stars. "How can you say that?!" She blinks rapidly and swallows hard. "How can you?!"

He can't find it in himself to turn away.

"What do you want me to say?" He finds himself in the coffee shop four years ago where it was only him and Nana.

"The truth and only the truth, this time, Yasu. Give me answers you can be sure of, even though..." she trails off.

"Words can either be truth or lies," he finishes.

He hasn't forgotten, and neither has she.

.

.

Gaia moves them into a housing apartment and he thinks that he's going to miss the training camp; he feels like his life is back on track.

...Until Nana gives him a heart attack because she's doubled over in Nobu's arm, breaths rushed and short and labored.

He tells Nobu to run and get a bag, and she clings to his shirt.

"Help me...Yasu..."

Her knuckles are white and he prays that they don't slacken anytime soon.

"I'm staying put."

It's a promise.

.

.

Concerts come and go and the only thing that he wishes was that for just one time, Kousaka Yuri will actually acknowledge Black Stones as a whole, instead of just Nobu.

.

.

Nana stumbles into his room one night and plops down on the floor besides his bed where he lounging around reading the newspaper.

"I'm getting married."

"Oh?"

"Just oh?"

"I was wondering about when you were gonna tell me."

"Ren asked me a long time ago, but it's now that I'm really confident about my answer." She looks down. "Why do I have the feeling that this will turn into a publicity show?"

"Because it probably it. Gaia and Cookie are probably hoping that it'll boost music sales; win-win for everybody."

"What about Hachi and Takumi?"

"Hachi's not in the show and you know it."

"When I'm happy, why does the media have to ruin everything?"

"They feed off of it."

She sighs and rests her head on the bed. "Thanks for listening to me, Yasu."

They don't mention the conversation in the wilderness high up in the mountains with only stars and crickets as onlookers.

.

.

He manages to get Ren away for twenty minutes before the wedding interview in an empty restroom.

"We need to talk, Ren."

"It's been a while, I know, Baldy."

"Please be serious." He takes in Ren; he knows where there are bags under his eyes underneath the makeup, knows that his brown eyes are clear for the moment but soon they'll be blank under the influence of drugs.

"You're still using." He says it like a statement, and they both know this.

"I'm trying to stop..."

"Don't give me that bullshit, Ren. I've warned you last time."

"Yasu-"

He reaches for Ren's right jean pocket, where he's awarded with a box of Seven Stars. He shakes out the cigarettes and pulls out a white roll, a cigarette imitation, but they both know it's not.

"Think of Nana. What will she do if she finds out? What about your reputation? You need help, Ren."

He takes it and dumps it in the toilet and flushes.

"Ren, listen to me."

"I know, Yasu. Why can't you believe me when I say that I do? I've tried to quit, I swear, but," he sucks in a breath, "but when I do my hands shake so much, to the point where I can't play the guitar." His wide brown eyes, unguarded and earnest, bore into his.

"It's withdrawal, I know, but I can't go to rehab right now. We still have concerts, and I'll go when we're all done, Yasu." Ren's voice is raw with honesty. "If I don't play, I'd be worthless."

It hurts him, it really does, to see the boy he's cared for since he was thirteen break down this way. He thinks of the times he's slipped him cookies when he was down, thinks of how his face lit up when there was miso soup for dinner.

He doesn't want to lose the person closest to him.

"I'll be here, Ren, I promise." His voice is thick with emotion.

"Of course, Yasu. You couldn't leave even if you tried."

They stand next to each other, side by side, against the tiled walls.

"You know...it's always been like this," Ren whispers.

"What do you mean?"

"From the start...you've always stepped back and let me have what I wanted, even though I'm such a selfish person."

He doesn't know what to say.

"You've cared for me, even as a kid I'd used and abused you. Why, Yasu?"

Ren's looking for answers, and he thinks of Nana and all the questions she's asked but he couldn't give responses to.

He closes his eyes and thinks long and hard. He can't come up with something but the memories do it for him.

Them sitting together for meals. Them getting into trouble but getting out together. They've played in two bands together, picked each other back up when the other fell and told each other stories they wouldn't tell anyone else.

Ren, seeing Yasu off before he left as a member of the Takagi family.

He thinks of Reira and that one summer day as they were sitting together at the beach. "I think, Yasu, trust is what binds people together. Then, it's love."

He makes a mental note to thank the Trapnest vocalist later.

He finally looks at Ren, into those solemn brown eyes.

"You were always there for me," he says slowly. "And I trusted you, Ren. Completely."

Ren leans on his shoulder; the silence is comfortable.

"Take care of Nana for me, yeah?"

"I will."

He will because he loves her even though she's not his, because she's Ren's and he loves them both. He cares for Ren too much to ever break that trust; he really can't deny him anything.

But it still hurts all the same and there's nothing he can possibly do.

"You know Baldy, you were always something like a hero in my story." Ren's voice is soft and he thinks of the nine-year old in black in the days where they were the best of friends at the orphanage.

.

.

They have a free day before Christmas and Trapnest does too and honestly he's surprised and suspicious that they might have something planned but it's not.

"Let's have a another mah-Jong tournament!" exclaims Shin. "Hachi can cook for us too!"

"Let's go ice skating!" Nobu breaks in excitedly. "It'll be just like that one Christmas again!"

"But I've never skated before," Shin says, frowning.

"Are you serious?" Nobu looks at Shin in disbelief. "We'll teach you; you're just like Nana!"

"I'm still in the room."

"What do you think, Yasu?"

"I think it's a good idea."

"Okay! I'll call Ren then," Nobu beams. "It'll be so much fun!" He heads towards the phone and Shin turns to him.

"Can Hachi come?"

"She'd better," drawls Nana from the sofa.

"I'll call, then."

"Ginpei! Get ready to drive us next Saturday!"

.

.

Miu's a cool girl; long, blonde hair, doll eyes and a placid personality. She's younger than she looks but she's incredibly perceptive. He's drawn to her because she has that aura around her that she knows more than she lets on and that he sees the pain clouded behind her eyes and he wants to help.

Sometimes when they sit and talk in the night he feels guilty because sometimes her hair shifts to black and her eyes become large and glassy.

.

.

"Wow! It's like a winter wonderland!" Shin's wide blue eyes take in the forest clearing all at once. The lake is frozen over and there's a thin layer of snow on the ground and it looks like nothing's changed at all. The air is refreshing and cool; sky slightly overcast, morning rays barely piercing through the clouds.

"When's Trapnest coming?" asks Nana, falling into step besides him.

"They're caught in some traffic, as I heard from Takumi," he replies.

Nana sighs, her breath fine and misty in the wintry air. "Hachi better not be stuck like glue against his side."

"She'll want to see you, too, so don't worry," he says, looking over her to where Nobu was helping Shin get the hang of skating, while Miu and Yuri were tying their skates on.

Nana tugs on his arm. "I'm bored. Yasu, skate with me."

He really shouldn't be doing this, really should be with Miu, but she's looking at him and he's glass for his shades because he's scared of what she'll see.

"Of course, Yasu. You couldn't leave even if you tried."

...

"From the start...you've always stepped back and let me have what I wanted, even though I'm such a selfish person."

...

"Take care of Nana for me, yeah?"

The "I will" he gave seemed years ago but the memory burns like yesterday.

They skate through the softy falling snow, he's silent as she rambles about how the media was always hounding her wherever she went. He's thankful that she keeps talking, because he's at a loss at what to say now. The night up on the mountains is on replay in his mind, something he desperately wants to brush away but can't.

"Dance with me."

He turns to her. "What?"

"Tomorrow at the party. With Trapnest. You remember, right?"

He does; she might not know it but she's making his heart break a little more, but he's Yasu and he can't help but still care, even though he knows her heart is elsewhere.

.

.

The snow's falling harder but the night is alight with warmth and festivity in the ballroom of some fancy hotel that he could probably never afford in his lifetime. The lights shining from the crystal chandelier reflecting on the polished ivory floor tiles nearly blind him and he's hungry but the appetizers on the table look better off untouched and he'll feel guilty to ruin the way the chocolate covered strawberries rested in the shape of a Christmas tree on the stupid silver platter; the "just for show" subtext is implied through the frosted cake balls piled on the gold wired tiered basket thing-wait, were they glittery?

He hates stupid formal parties with overly polite staff members and food that looked better than it tasted.

"This is stupid."

Nana stands next to him, beautiful in her black dress. "I can't wait for Blast's real party tomorrow. I feel like a porcelain doll in this party; everything's so stiff and formal. I just want to have fun."

"Yeah." He knows how it feels. He knows how it felt to be scrutinized by uncomprehending eyes, how it felt to be labeled by false rumors and everything in between.

"Just imagine, we're gonna be eating with them in the next room...And you still owe me a dance, Baldy."

He doesn't know why but that suddenly becomes the highlight of his night, even though he knows it'll just hurt when dawn comes.

The snow fails to stop falling outside, a curtain of blurry white against the velvet night sky.

.

He finds the soup the only good thing on their dinner, the dessert the worst. They head back to the ballroom and he's glad the lights dimmed.

Nana's heading towards him but she's intercepted by a Trapnest staff member and she's forced to just one dance so he turns and finds Miu in her silver cocktail dress.

She hangs on to his arm and heads towards to the less crowded area of the dance floor.

A slow song starts to play and he sees Miu's large eyes staring right at him, something he can't really figure out reflected in her eyes.

"You love her, don't you?"

There's really no backing out now. "Yeah. I do."

Something like a hollow smile is on her pretty face, pale skin framed by long blonde hair.

"Love makes up prisoners even though we never intended to be one. I can't blame you, Yasu."

For the rest of the song, she doesn't say anything else but at the end she hugs him tightly before Nobu comes and requests a dance with Miu.

"Hey, Baldy."

She gives him a half smile and drapes an arm over his. "You and Miu make a good couple. Really."

"Oh?"

"Yes, oh."

It's kinda dimmer in the room now and the snow falling outside the tall glass windows are stark against the rest of the room. It's almost beautiful in a way. She leans against him and they dance and the scent of strawberry is strong and reminds him of better days.

"Thanks Yasu. For everything."

He's quiet because an answer is not needed; they both know. The song is still soft and slow and he wants them to last forever in this way even though it's impossible and he can't help but think about other distractions. They don't talk anymore; they're dancing to the song and the silence that comes with them, it's strangely comfortable and he welcomes it.

The song stops and a hand on his shoulder is enough to bring him back to the ballroom that contained crappy music and slippery marble floors.

"Mind if I take Nana for a dance?"

"Yeah, sure," he says and Ren leads Nana away and he decides that he'll retire to his fancy suite to have a smoke because he really, really, needs one and a drink.

He slips out the double doors and takes the elevator up to the seventh floor to the room at the end of the hallway.

His room is dark save for the snow and hotel lights outside and he doesn't flip on the lights; only pours himself a drink from the fancy wine bottle resting on the side table and walks to the large bay windows. He has a clear view of the mountains and he thinks of the trip with Gaia, thinks about when he could see the stars and when he was able to forget the world just for a second but it's enough for him.

The wine bottle is light as he pours another drink and lights a cigarette. He leans against the wall, looking out to the world outside the glass that shielded him from the quietly falling snow, but he slides it open to a crack, welcoming the short blast of chilly air that immediately greets him.

"Hey Ren, I'm glad I could be your hero, but…"

It's quiet like the snow in his room.

He sits down on an armchair and thinks of the little seaside town that held so many memories and questions and everything in between. He thinks of the frozen lake and Christmas concerts, of the little coffee shop filled with laughter on happy days.

"Why do heroes have to sacrifice so much, Ren?"

The snow yields no reply.

.

.

* * *

  _You laugh at love_

_but_

_love will make you cry_

-Yasu

* * *

 .

quiet like the snow

.

FIN

.

will you stay with me

and

just forget the world ?

.

.

GAHHHH. This is one monster of a oneshot...the second half was practically an emotional roller coaster. The ending was so hard to write I can't even.

/What happens when I take a break from all the Ren/Nana centric stuff.

The names of the kids in the orphanage definitely did not come from FREE! Iwatobi Swim Club. Jk. They did. That aside, I'm internally crying for Yasu...even though I had fun writing the relationship between Ren and Yasu.

For the record, I never went ice skating before :(

Constructive criticism is mucho appreciated.

/Goes to study now.

Have a nice day~


End file.
